Falcon, Untethered
Jun. 15th, 2016 09:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
somethingclassicalIt was not, she reflected, as if she could simply reason away her emotions, regardless of how much effort she put into trying. She realized others were far worse-off than she was -- being surrounded by people of more noble character was a constant and painful reminder of that -- and she acknowledged that wallowing in self-pity and bitterness would not improve her situation. Yet, those feelings stubbornly refused to simply go away. Self-actualization only made her loathing all the more poignant. As much as she resented her half-sister, she hated herself for having these feelings, for lacking in that noble character she could only envy.
Besides which, in a perverse way, those feelings were all she had, the only things she could truly call her own. Her secret isolation in her gilded cage on the Moon was a constant reminder of her forbidden existence, surrounded by all the opulence of Versian royalty, yet none of which truly belonged to her. While she supposed it was the sort of comfort many would gladly trade for, she in turn would have happily traded all of it simply to have proper use of her legs...or rather, that depending on others would no longer be a necessity. In all honesty, even her nearly-useless legs were not what truly chained her to her fancy prison. Even were she released, her sheltered upbringing had hardly prepared her for self-sufficiency. She couldn't even make a bed on her own, and it was her own uselessness which fueled her bitterness. It was the underlying source of it if she was to be completely honest with herself.
And if there was one virtue Lemrina could be said to truly possess, it was a dedication to honesty...at least when it came to facing flaws. And because of her honesty regarding herself and her many shortcomings, she secretly admitted to herself that she would trade her very soul just to be able to run away from it all, to no longer depend on anyone other than herself. She entertained no illusions that such a dream was possible even with useful legs due to her own uselessness. She was every bit as dependent as her older half-sister, only she had never had the luxury of that blissful naivete. Being a hidden bastard made that quite impossible.
Long ago, she had believed that she would have traded her soul for love, specifically that of one person. The one time she had deceived herself was her belief that if she could claim that one thing her half-sister possessed that she wanted even more than the adoration of the people, she would gladly let go of her bitterness and be content with just that. Such a foolish delusion. No, what she truly longed for was the power to be able to choose her own path. Perhaps she truly was the most pitiful of all; even of they chose their cages and their dark paths, they had the power to choose. That, above all else, was what she envied the most. And she would endure anything, if only for the chance to shape her own destiny.
Years later, her wish was granted.
Life as a Guardian was a perpetual struggle, but Lemrina never thought of complaining even once. It was a hard existence, but one she relished with all her being. There had been much she had needed to learn in order to survive on her own -- or at least not die all over again -- though thankfully her Ghost was there to help. One last act of dependency to ask older Hunters how to survive out in the wilds, and she was finally free.
She no longer had need of loyalty or servants or knights. She could fight her own battles now, but she wouldn't be her own knight. She would be someone else...someone who would protect others but held no loyalty to anything more than her own skills and her freedom. Others would expect nothing from her, and she would expect nothing from others. She could go anywhere she chose, for any reason at all. The endless blue sky she had longed for was finally hers, now and forever.
She would be a Hunter, and the wilderness with all its dangers was her refuge and her home.
Yes, she thought as she smiled, lovingly caring for her long knife. This will do nicely.
Besides which, in a perverse way, those feelings were all she had, the only things she could truly call her own. Her secret isolation in her gilded cage on the Moon was a constant reminder of her forbidden existence, surrounded by all the opulence of Versian royalty, yet none of which truly belonged to her. While she supposed it was the sort of comfort many would gladly trade for, she in turn would have happily traded all of it simply to have proper use of her legs...or rather, that depending on others would no longer be a necessity. In all honesty, even her nearly-useless legs were not what truly chained her to her fancy prison. Even were she released, her sheltered upbringing had hardly prepared her for self-sufficiency. She couldn't even make a bed on her own, and it was her own uselessness which fueled her bitterness. It was the underlying source of it if she was to be completely honest with herself.
And if there was one virtue Lemrina could be said to truly possess, it was a dedication to honesty...at least when it came to facing flaws. And because of her honesty regarding herself and her many shortcomings, she secretly admitted to herself that she would trade her very soul just to be able to run away from it all, to no longer depend on anyone other than herself. She entertained no illusions that such a dream was possible even with useful legs due to her own uselessness. She was every bit as dependent as her older half-sister, only she had never had the luxury of that blissful naivete. Being a hidden bastard made that quite impossible.
Long ago, she had believed that she would have traded her soul for love, specifically that of one person. The one time she had deceived herself was her belief that if she could claim that one thing her half-sister possessed that she wanted even more than the adoration of the people, she would gladly let go of her bitterness and be content with just that. Such a foolish delusion. No, what she truly longed for was the power to be able to choose her own path. Perhaps she truly was the most pitiful of all; even of they chose their cages and their dark paths, they had the power to choose. That, above all else, was what she envied the most. And she would endure anything, if only for the chance to shape her own destiny.
Years later, her wish was granted.
Life as a Guardian was a perpetual struggle, but Lemrina never thought of complaining even once. It was a hard existence, but one she relished with all her being. There had been much she had needed to learn in order to survive on her own -- or at least not die all over again -- though thankfully her Ghost was there to help. One last act of dependency to ask older Hunters how to survive out in the wilds, and she was finally free.
She no longer had need of loyalty or servants or knights. She could fight her own battles now, but she wouldn't be her own knight. She would be someone else...someone who would protect others but held no loyalty to anything more than her own skills and her freedom. Others would expect nothing from her, and she would expect nothing from others. She could go anywhere she chose, for any reason at all. The endless blue sky she had longed for was finally hers, now and forever.
She would be a Hunter, and the wilderness with all its dangers was her refuge and her home.
Yes, she thought as she smiled, lovingly caring for her long knife. This will do nicely.
